how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
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Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.