Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
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Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.