Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
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MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
Yup
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”