Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
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girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
Left at a local drug store…
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
12653.
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
My safe word is Worcestershire
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
CUTE CAT‼︎
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you