Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
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I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
ok hear me out: Luigiana
United Steaks of America
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon