A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
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Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
I’m Sold!
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
*seductively eats two tums*
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children