I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
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The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
Are we there yet?…
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
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Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor