Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
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Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
🙅🏻
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time