im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
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muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
volunteer in charge: we are gonna walk around and search for clues about the missing girl.
guy who just bought a new fly fishing rod: we should check the lake first
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.