If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
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“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off