Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
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*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers