Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
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Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
describing stardew valley
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”