The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
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older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂