Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
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I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
Found my door mat
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days