Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
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Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
so i’m at the stock market right
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
can’t believe I got front row seats
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
That lamp looks PISSED.
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.