Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
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How all things should be taught/explained.
🤣🤣🤣
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
Me :
All Day At Night
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.