KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
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My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
“A little help here, Danny?”
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens