I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
You Might Also Like
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
Camping tip: No.
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
I’m giving up for Lent.
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
what the hell pray for carter everyone
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped