me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
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“TGIM!” – My liver
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
#dalle2
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?