OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
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Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
finally found a reasonable question
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*