Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
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Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
Dear Lord..
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted