great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
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Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?