[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
You Might Also Like
Can Happiness buy money?
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.