[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
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why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.