Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
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The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
the noise i just made
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.