Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
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Blew out my flip flop…
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?