When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
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You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
🏙👨🏼
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
I am all good here, 😂😉
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?