Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
You Might Also Like
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath