Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
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woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
yes… yes…
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
can’t catch a break
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?