Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
You Might Also Like
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
Saint West, the patron of selfies
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.