You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
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you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
who will stop them
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.