I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
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Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
love pickles so much i put myself in one
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.