I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
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* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
I only treason on days ending in y
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.