walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
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doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
Not all heroes wear capes…
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.