interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
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My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark