Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
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When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Emperor: What, someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)