date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
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Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”