[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
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My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
The happy life.. 😊
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account