Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
You Might Also Like
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
What personal space?
My dog
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
This squirrel eats better than I do