Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
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Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
I put the mess in domestic.
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree