For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
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Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.