Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
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*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
honestly, i need both:
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.