“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
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back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
english majors be like furthermore
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.