My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
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20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too