I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
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This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
Yep.
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
Start the year as you intend to continue.
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.