i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
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boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
A bold strategy
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
Seas the day!!!!
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.