How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
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Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?