Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
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Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Just as the prophecy foretold
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh