You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
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Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
I wish I could veto my bills.
Namaste
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?