Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
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It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
Has science gone too far?
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.